I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
