they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
