final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
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