New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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