I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
