I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
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