he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
