I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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