I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
