I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
