I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
