Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
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