I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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