I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
