I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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