Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
