Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
