why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
