You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
