My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
