So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
