So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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