I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
