I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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