I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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