the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
It's shark week go big or go home
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
