Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
