someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
