I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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