Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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