yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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