I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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