Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
