I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
