The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
