Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
