You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
