I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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