soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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