I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
3 2 1 whiskey
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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