It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
