Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
