i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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