Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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