I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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