Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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