if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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