you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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