I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
