Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
