Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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