what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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