Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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