i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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