I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
