I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
