one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
