I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
