you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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