I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
