dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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