you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
