what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
