I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
